The words that I have written to bring a new vision, spread wacky humour, and just to vent out the emotions within.
Fearfully Hoping by traveling-Bard, literature
Literature
Fearfully Hoping
In May of this year, Eirian was due to be born. It is hard to wrap my brain and heart around the fact that my eldest should be a month old and in my arms right now. But she isn’t. Her heart stopped beating for unknown reasons and I never got meet her. Aaron never got to meet her. We anticipated Eirian’s birth with so much joy…. which turned into a terrible pain. Becoming pregnant with Samara only a few months after our loss of Eirian was a bit surreal. We held onto the promise of a child with both hands, being so incredibly intentional, despite the concerns I held quiet because the signs of pregnancy that I was seeing were also signs of a miscarriage. But Samara was wanted and unreservedly loved as soon as we had a positive home test. The loss of Samara was a different level of gutting… compounding still raw grief with another layer of loss and fresh grief. I am pregnant. I haven’t been given a due date yet, but I am just about eight weeks along. I am scared, worried.
I don’t know that I will ever be able to look at pregnancy the same way again. I remember when I looked forward to getting pregnant, having a family. It isn’t that I don’t want any of those things anymore, but now… now I am afraid. I am afraid. Afraid that my body will betray me for a third, fourth, fifth time. That I will never be able to carry a healthy baby to term. That my body can’t, won’t do what it was designed to do: bring life into the world. I feel myself being silenced, struggling with illogical shame and unfounded guilt. It was one thing to talk about the first miscarriage, to make the decision to let Eirian be known to the world. But this second miscarriage, only four months after the first, has been so much harder to talk about. I can feel my lips being sealed shut. I can feel the willingness to talk about it slipping away, as well as the willingness to be open about any future pregnancy. This is why so many people don’t talk about their pregnancies in the first
Chimes tinkle outside of my patio door. Every time the wind makes them chime, tears come to my eyes. Tears of grief. Tears of longing. Tears of love. Tears of memory. I have been attempting to write something for, to, about Eirian Avia since October. I have started and stopped, started again and failed. Each time I sit down to write about Eirian, tears flow freely, obscuring my vision. I just want to curl up in a ball and wail. But it is important that I write. That I tell the world about Eirian before the year is done. That I start talking about this important person, because the conversation will be continuing for the rest of my life. Eirian Avia is my and Aaron’s baby. The little one that we will never have the pleasure of holding on this earth. We will never watch Eirian roll over, take those uncertain first steps, or hear the sweet voice utter her first words. We will not get to experience Eirian as a toddler, a curious youngster, an adventurous teenager, or a confident adult.
I remembering crying in the auditorium of my school when I was in junior high. My grandmother had just died.
I remember the shock when my mom told me that my great-grandmother had died. She was 103... I had half-believed that she would live forever. I was at work when I found out; can't cry in front of customers. Don't cry in front of customers. Can't. Don't. I can't stop.
I remember trying to cry shortly after I graduated high school when my grandmother's sister died. I struggled, because I didn't feel I had the right to mourn her, no matter how much I loved her.
I remember struggling to hold back tears, and yet the struggle to allow myse
I pulled my car into the parking lot and parked in the first open space I spotted. I turned off my car and took a moment to gather myself. With a sigh, I grabbed my satchel and climbed out of my car. As I strode away, I armed my car alarm and worked on arming myself. I consciously adjusted my posture; shoulders back, head high, stride long and confident. It was time to engage in battle.
I walked through the two sets of glass double doors and entered a large room filled with shelves containing thousands of books. The books came from all over the land and covered innumberable topics. I kept my gaze focused forward with an effort. I was on a m
-------EDITED VERSION AFTER CRITIQUE---------
As she was leaving the library, she noticed that she had missed a call from her mother. As she listened to the message, her heart squeezed.
"I'm sorry to call you on your work cell, but I am trying to reach you. Your uncle is in the hospital. It doesn't look good."
Her gait stuttered on the library's stairs, nearly causing her to fall. She paused to regain her balance and took a breath before heading to her car. She returned her mother's call to find out which hospital and which room her uncle was in before heading over.
When she entered to room, she saw her brother and mother first, and then
She was young to become a mother, only sixteen. Yet, a mother she became. A daughter had a daughter, becoming a mother, but what it was to be an adult, she still had yet to discover. She took steps down her path, made her way through a woods that became twisted, full of quagmires and brambles. Her daughter was her focus, a reason to survive anyway that she could. Her ties with her own parents became strained, love there, but not always acknowledged.
She met a man and settled. Three more children were born. The struggles continued to flourish through decisions made, blind eye turned, and lack of direction. Drugs and alcohol stole in and stole
The warrior stands alone,
Remembering past battles fought,
And in that memory claims his demons own.
With his sword, foes are laid prone,
But still he dreams of wars battled for naught.
The warrior stands alone.
Yet, there is one who hears this soldier’s unvoiced moan.
She freely gives to him friendship unsought,
And in that memory claims his demons as her own.
He feels that for much he has to atone,
She strives to slow his jaded view, a growing rot.
The Warrior stands alone.
Unseen, she protects his back, a love shown.
While he struggles against personal evil wrought,
And in that memory claims his demons own.
Role of defender she
The first glimpse showed sharp-planed hardness,
A deadly edge, harnessed.
The first conversation, unexpected connection,
Self-proclaimed tendency towards sociopathic reaction.
Male version me.
Martial art, knives, travel, humor, all.
Body of stone, will of steel,
Proud, solitary soldier.
Lonelier than he admits, but easily tired of humanity,
Always traveling, home is his family.